What You Talkin 'bout Pizza Bianca

Pizza Bianca, the final piece to the Nonie's meat sauce/Gnip Gnop Gnocchi trifecta. I got this little, extremely simple recipe from Gourmet Magazine about 10 years ago and it will change your life, as it has mine and anyone else's who eats from my table. It is basically pizza dough, kosher salt and olive oil, but boy is it tasty. I buy my pizza dough at Trader Joe's because it is easy and cheap, but am often annoyed with the cashiers who always say "Making pizza tonight?" And I have to say, no I am making this delicious flatbread. And then they have to say 'what you talkin 'bout?'. And then I have to recite the recipe and they look at me like I am from another planet (albeit, a planet with very good food). And it always happens. Evey time I buy it. Which is often. It's probably a sign that I should go back to making my own dough. Anyway, you need a jelly roll pan, which is a rectangular baking sheet with low sides. But other than that, it couldn't be easier. Of course I advocate making gnocchi too, but I have seen some people just eat this bread with Nonie's sauce piled on top of it (or inside of it). Leftovers (wait what am I talkin 'bout -  like that's going to happen) also make great bread for paninis.

If ever there was an argument for keeping your kids out of show biz, "Diff'rent Strokes" would be it. The premise is simple: A rich white widower (Conrad Bain, of Maude fame) with a daughter (Dana Plato - we will get to her in a minute) and a housekeeper (Charlotte Rae) adopt two African-American orphaned street kids (Todd Bridges and Gary Coleman) and they live together in a deluxe apartment in the sky (wait, wrong show). And of course, each episode was punctuated by Arnold's catch phrase: what you talkin' 'bout, Willis? Responding to something crazy his big brother uttered. And so you have the recipe for a run-a-way hit tv show, fame beyond and belief tons of money = derelict, has-beens at age 18. Victims of greedy parents and unscrupulous accountants, the money is squandered and the former child stars are left to a life of drug addiction and crime. Even the very special episode featuring First Lady Nancy Regan and her "Just Say No" anti-drug campaign couldn't keep these kids out of the gutter. Dana Plato was the first to fall, after a series of arrests for armed robbery (ok, it was a pellet gun) and forging prescriptions she died of a drug overdose at age 34. Gary Coleman, sweet little Arnold Jackson, didn't fare much better. After being robbed by his parents and divorcing them, he spent the rest of his years trying to recapture his fleeting fame, alternating between running for Governor of California and working as a security guard, when he wasn't beating up his "fans". He too died young, at age 42. Todd Bridges actually comes out of this trio smelling like a rose, simply because he's not dead yet. After years of drug addiction and arrests for such crimes as carrying a firearm, making a bomb threat, cocaine possession and shooting an accused drug dealer (ok, this last one might of been his way of just saying no, but still...) his only "success" has been a reality show career that culminated with an appearance on Dancing with the Stars. It takes different strokes to move the world. Yes it does. It takes different strokes to move the world.


The Recipe:

1 tsp hot water
1/2 tsp kosher salt
2 tblsp olive oil ( 1 + 1)
16 ounces pizza dough (make your own, it's less complicated than buying it from Trader Joes - or better yet, get it fresh from your local pizzeria. Just ask, they usually will sell it to you)
All-purpose flour

Special Equipment: 15x10x1 inch jelly roll/baking pan, lightly oiled; pizza wheel

Place rack in the bottom of the oven and preheat oven to 500 degrees. Whisk together hot water and kosher salt until most of the salt is dissolved. Then whisk in one tablespoon of the olive oil. Coat dough lightly with flour, then stretch with floured hands into a 12x8 rectangle. Transfer dough to the baking pan, stretching dough to cover most of the pan. Dimple dough by pressing your finger tips all over, then brush with oil mixture. Bake until golden brown, 10 to 12 minutes. Remove from pan onto a cutting board, brush with remaining tablespoon of oil and cut into smaller pieces with a pizza wheel. Serve warm and with Nonies meat sauce.
Serves 4.

Courthouse Crock Pot Spaghetti Sauce

Welcome to my first foray into Aunt Bee's Mayberry Cookbook. I approached this with caution given my past experience with Alice's Brady Bunch Cookbook, but optimistically as well since things didn't seem too bad with Mary Ann's Gilligan Island Cookbook. Afterall, you can't judge a book, or a sitcom, by it's cover. Except, why do books have covers if not to be judged by them? Anyway, I have to say this recipe had trouble from the start given the anachronism of the notion of a crock pot in Mayberry. We know that the crock pot "technology" was not commercially available in the early 1960s (for a complete crack pot's crock pot history,  see Split Peabody and Sherman Soup). Nevertheless, I  proceeded, mostly because I had all of the ingredients in the pantry/fridge. What resulted (in less than half the time and portion size the book stated!) was a fairly decent bolognese - not a term that would have been uttered in Mayberry, I realize. It actually reminded me of meat sauce served in one on my favorite Italian restaurants from my childhood - DeLuca's - which my really old friends (who, ironically are the same age as me) may also remember. In the future, I would make this recipe from the past again, only I would double the ingredients because although it said it served 6, it really was only enough for 3. And, possibly cut the cooking time because although the recipe said 10 hours, it smelled like it was burning after about six.

The Andy Griffith Show set in Mayberry, Hometown, USA.  A true fixture in my 1970s childhood of reruns. Featuring Andy Griffith as Sheriff Andy Taylor and of course the great Don Knotts (see The Ghost and Mr Chicken Pot Pie) as Deputy Barney Fife. While Andy's Aunt Bee and son Opie (a very young Ron Howard) kept the home fires burning, Andy and Barney played host to a town full of kooks at Mayberry's courthouse, which next to Floyd's Barbershop (both literally and figuratively) was the center of "downtown" Mayberry.  It was also a gathering place for folks like confirmed bachelor Howard Sprague and filling station attendant Gomer Pyle (aka Jim Nabors) until he joined the Marines and was replaced by Goober Pyle (who I think was his non-identical cousin). It was also where they regularly jailed the town sot, Otis Campbell, and were flummoxed by the perpetual nuttiness of chicken thief Ernest T. Bass. Occasionally, some law and order took place by the sheriff without a gun and his bumbling deputy, like when grifters posing as FBI agents came to town ostensibly to admire Mayberry's crime fighting techniques. In reality, they really came to case the bank, and luckily Andy figured this out all the while Barney waxed poetic about the new jail in Mt. Pilot. Hijinks, and a lesson or two always ensued, making me want to whistle my way all the way to the fishin hole....

The Recipe:

1 1/2 pounds ground beef, browned
1 1/2 cups chopped onion
2 cloves garlic
1 14 1/2 ounce can tomatoes
2 6-ounce cans tomato paste
1 1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp dried oregano
1/4 tsp thyme
1 bay leaf

In a crock pot combine all of the ingredients. Stir thoroughly and cook on low for 10 to 12 hours (or 6), or on high for 4 to 5 hours. Serves 6 (or 3).

Professor Whitehead's Beef Teriyaki

Home at last, but too tired to cook, and besides I can't leave you hanging. So the last, at least for a while, of my Cooking With Alice re-posts. This is all good. Beef, what more can I say? A teriyaki sauce made with sake, that you light on fire - awesome! Grilled to perfection and served over a volcano of white rice. Of, course Alice's instructions were a bit flawed on how to set the sauce aflame - she advised to turn off the heat, when you really need to crank it up (luckily, I know how to set food on fire).  In fact, if you read the recipe, you'll see most of  it is wrong, but yet oh, so right. P.S. I threw in some green pepper for added measure.

"The Tiki Caves" (The conclusion to our three-part island epic) Professor Hubert Whitehead, played by the great Vincent Price, is a nut job archaeologist holed up in a cave on Oahu. The boys venture into the cave to return what they believe to be a cursed idol to its ancient burial ground. Professor Whitehead ties them up because he fears they will steal his latest find, a scary tiki head he calls Oliver (foreshadowing of Cousin Oliver, perhaps?). He would have gotten away with it too had it not been for those meddling kids (Curses!). This same plot is played out earlier in the series when the Bradys are on their way to the Grand Canyon and encounter a crazy old prospector played by Jim Bakkus (yes, who also played Mike's boss Mr Matthews). Confused? Don't be, this is the way TV worked back when you actually watched it on your TV. Mike and Carol come to the rescue and the Bradys celebrate with a luau on Waikiki.  A-lo-ha.


The Recipe:

3c sake
1c sugar
3c soy sauce
1 8 1/2 pound rib steak with bone removed

In a saucepan mix the sake and the sugar cook low heat until the sugar has dissolved. Turn off the heat and ignite (or turn the heat up if you really want a flame) the sake mixture with a match, shaking the pan until the flame dies. Add the soy sauce and bring the mixture to a boil. Continue boiling until the mixture thickens and becomes syrupy. Pour the sauce into a shallow bowl large enough to dip the steak.
Preheat the broiler or barbecue grill, be sure the coals are white hot. Dip the steak into the teriyaki sauce, coating the meat thoroughly. Broil or barbecue until desired doneness, dipping the meat in the sauce again when it is turned (which makes no sense, brushing the or basting yes, but dipping, no). Reheat the remaining sauce. To serve, slice the steaks into 1/2 inch slices and arrange the slices on a warmed plate. Pour the remaining sauce over the steaks and garnish with parsley (which you notice is not on the ingredient list, but that's the way Alice rolls). Serve with hot rice and the remaining sauce on the side (even though you have already poured the remaining sauce over the meat, again welcome to my world!). Makes 8 servings.

Special equipment: Fire extinguisher and dashboard hula girl

Tabu Tomato Sauce

Still away in our tropical paradise, so I thought instead of leaving anyone hanging, I would re-post another "Hawaiian" recipe from Cooking With Alice. Though not very Hawaiian, nor forbidden, but a decent tomato sauce, much like pomodoro. Mark believes Alice was going for alliteration over authentic island cuisine. Made with fresh plum tomatoes and lots of garlic. I'll give Alice that, she likes to cook with garlic and that pleases us. Served over some fresh egg pasta with a nice green salad and a crusty baguette. And red wine, gotta have the red, red wine.

"Pass The Tabu" The second of three Hawaiian episodes. After finding the cursed tiki at Mike's construction site, Bobby wears it for good luck. But bad things begin to happen to everyone who comes in contact with it. First, Bobby almost is knocked on the head by a falling picture, then Jan has a tarantula in her beach bag that almost bites Peter, then Alice throws her back out at a hula lesson. But the worst fate awaits Greg, who has a serious wipe out during a surfing contest at Waikiki and nearly drowns. All leading up to the boys discovery that the idol must be returned to it's ancient burial ground to break the bad luck streak. Little do they know the danger that awaits, and the nutty Professor Whitehead, who has nefarious plans for our young heroes. Stayed tuned to find out what happens next week...

The Recipe:

4 1/4 tsps olive oil
2 1/2 pounds plum tomatoes seeded and coarsely chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/4c tomato paste
3/4 tsp salt
1/4tsp sugar
2 tblsp finely minced fresh basil

In a large saucepan heat the oil over medium heat. Add the garlic and cook for 2 minutes. Add the remaining ingredients (except the basil) and simmer for 50 minutes, stirring frequently. [What follows is my favorite part of the recipe because it is so poorly written] Mix in the basil just before using. This can be refrigerated 3 days ahead of use. Don't add basil until it is to be used. Makes about 3 cups of sauce.

Hawaii Bound Oahu Pineapple Spice Cake

We are truly Oahu bound tomorrow morning, so I thought I would kick-off the trip with a little visit down Cooking With Alice memory lane. Hawaii (and the Bradys) hold special significance for us. When I turned 30, we took our first trip to Hawaii as that year we dedicated ourselves to only going on Brady Bunch vacations (the others were obviously King's Island and the Grand Canyon). And, two years ago we celebrated two 50th celebrations at once (Mark's b-day and Hawaii's statehood) with a luau extravaganza. That said, pineapple cake. Flour, eggs, oil, cinnamon, nutmeg, sugars (white and brown), and pineapple baked in a Bundt pan (which I had to borrow, since this is the first and probably last time I will ever make a holey cake). The best part is the icing, with among the sugar also includes rum and a lot of butter.  Of course, the recipe directions were less than complete, but that's why I love Alice, always providing me with a culinary challenge.

"Hawaii Bound" The first of the three part Hawaiian Brady Bunch epic. Mike has a big construction project he is overseeing in Oahu and takes the whole family along for the ride. Everything is coming up hibiscus for the Brady's in paradise.They take a whirlwind tour of the island, including Diamond Head and a solemn visit to  Pearl Harbor. The son of the man who owns the construction company offers to show Greg the island "sights" and do some surfing. Cindy and Bobby have a chance encounter with Don Ho. The girls all take in the shopping. Bobby even finds a cute little good luck charm at the construction site that he wears around his neck. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, it seems as if there is absolutely nothing that could spoil this idyllic family vacation...


The Recipe: (prepare at your own risk...remember it is from Alice)

For the cake:
1 1/2c oil
1/4c firmly packed brown sugar
1c sugar
3 eggs
1c pineapple, chopped (juice reserved, Alice doesn't say it, but trust me)
3c flour
1tbsp baking powder
1tsp salt
1tsp cinnamon
1/2tsp nutmeg
1/4tsp ginger
1/4tsp allspice (which begs the question, if it is truly all spice, why do we need the other spices?)

For the glaze:
1/3c pineapple juice
1/4c butter
1/4c sugar
1/4c brown sugar
1/4c rum

Special equipment: Bundt Pan

In a medium bowl whisk the oil and both sugars. Add the eggs one at a time. In a separate bowl combine the flour and the the spices. Blend the dry ingredients into the egg mixture, then add the pineapple. Pour batter into a greased and floured 10-inch bundt pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 50 minutes (it took longer) or until the cake pulls away from the sides of the pan. Turn cake out onto a cake platter and cool.

In a saucepan combine the juice, sugars and the rum. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Reduce heat and simmer for 7 minutes. Cool and drizzle over the cake.

Uncle Arthur's Flaming Dinner Party

Few things in life are more rewarding than purposely setting food on fire. And, when you can do a whole meal from app, to entree, to dessert and alcohol all aflame, well you are "on fire" metaphorically as a home cook. Once again, we have enlisted the help of our loyal friends Ann and Kevin (see my other blog, Cooking with Alice: Frontier Scout Fabulous Fish Fry), the only people we know who welcome a party invite that includes BYOFE (Fire Extinguisher). This time though, no stalking Mario Batali. Anyway, let's start with the very beginning, a very good place to start - cheese fondue. We went with a smoked Dutch Gouda and Emmental with pumpernickel bread for dipping. The main consisted of chicken, shrimp and pork with a variety of dipping sauces and broccoli and mushrooms as the veg side cooked in a fondue pot. For dessert we used our table top hibachi and made campfire s'mores. To accompany it all, we enjoyed the greatest flaming beverage ever to come out of Germany: fuerenzangenbowle (loosely translates to fire bowl). Say what you say. This is a German New Year's Eve tradition that we were introduced to one December 31st while staying at a friend's house in a little village near the Belgian border. Basically, in a special bowl that rests on a metal stand you warm red wine and mulling spices and then across the top lays the fuere tonge (a metal strip) where you place the zucker hut (pronounced hoot) which is a cone of sugar. That is doused with 151 rum and lit. The sugar melts into the warm wine and a delightful winter beverage is formed. It took us years, and a willing German deli in Texas, to import the fire bowl, but the effort was well worth it. Fondue, hibachi and fuere bowle - the flaming trifecta.

Paul Lynde: comic genius. As Samantha's zany, up to no good Uncle Arthur, you never knew what mess he would make next for his witch of a niece, who was desperately trying to live a non-magical normal suburban life. He was always turning up just at the wrong moment making wisecracks to the Dicks (Sargent and York) who played Samantha's befuddled muggle husband. He made his entrances by "popping" in, literally, his head in a pot on the stove or in a chafing dish on the buffet table, or even out of the toaster. Never at a loss for a corny pun or one-liner, Uncle Arthur was always laughing harder at himself than anyone else in the room. Honestly, I don't know how Elizabeth Montgomery managed to play it straight with Paul Lynde in the room. He basically cracks himself up at every turn, and I loved every minute of it.  Even though he only appeared in 11 episodes, they are among the funniest of the series. And, in his first appearance, he's not even playing the role of Uncle Arthur, but of Harold Harold, Samantha's driving instructor - because, as we know,  that's the way TV worked back then. It mattered not, he stole every scene he was in. Of course, Paul Lynde went on to be the center square on Hollywood Squares, perhaps his true star turn. Where, once again, as I look back, I am sure the entendres went right over my head, let alone the double entendres. True or False, Paul Lynde had the best laugh on 60s and 70s television? True, and X marks the spot.

The Recipe: (Smoky German fondue)

1/2 small onion

1 cup light ale (such as Warsteiner)

12 ounces grated German smoked cheese (or a smoked Dutch Gouda)

4 ounces grated Emmental cheese (or any good Swiss)

3 tsp flour

3 tbsp milk

1 tsp German mustard

Cubed Pumpernickel bread

Special equipment: Fondue pot

In a small bowl, blend the flour smoothly with the milk. Set aside. Rub the inside of the fondue pots with the cut side of the onion. Pour in the ale and heat gently until bubbling (do this on the stove top for Sterno pot). Reduce the heat and gradually stir in the grated cheeses, stirring constantly while they melt. Stir the milk mixture into the cheese mixture and add the mustard. Cook for a few minutes until thick and creamy. Keep warm over Sterno or electric. Dip with bread cubes. Serves 4.

A (Chocolate) Chip in the Metric System

I've really never met a chocolate chip cookie I didn't like, except for those dry chalking tasting kind from old lady bakeries. These come from our 1982 Betty Crocker Cookbook (for the story on this one, see the post "Rock, Cinnamon Roll and Remember"). I noticed that this recipe was referenced on two different pages, so I decided to investigate. The first, page 266, was the basic teaspoon of this, cup of that cookie recipe. But, when I turned to the second page, 362, I was gobsmacked. It was obstensively the same recipe, only converted to metrics! Betty was a teller of the future (it wasn't enough that this edition included microwave recipes) with a section of the book entitled "Metrics in the Kitchen". She advises that the metric system is coming, gradually, but there is no reason to panic (her words, not mine). It turns out that all metric measurements are divisible by 10. Whatever the heck that means. And I quote from the book of Crocker: 'All you need are metric measures and a sense of adventure'. Betty, Betty, Betty, oh, naive Betty, it's never going to happen.

As a child I feared two things: nuclear annihilation and the metric system. Having been absent the day fractions were taught, I feared all math, and the notion that inches and feet would be no longer sacred the hell out me. In a way, nuclear war seemed more attractive, at least there would be no math involved - everybody is just dead. But with metrics, we would still have to worry about nuclear war. And, it was never couched that it would be like language in Canada - French or English, your choice. We were converting and that was that. Apparently the demise came when the US government realized Americans weren't interested or just just too lazy to divide by 10. Many businesses adapted the system to further global trade (because it enhanced our ability to be competitive internationally), but the rest of us were left to our own devices, in this case inches, feet, pounds and tablespoons. Any way you slice it, kids today are just plain lucky. Their biggest fear is a hotel room that doesn't have Nickelodeon on the TV or being unable to find their USB cable. Little do they know the fate we narrowly avoided to make their future brighter. And let's not even talk about that zip code extension thing....

The Recipe:

Special Equipment: A sense of adventure

250 mL granulated sugar
250 mL packed brown sugar
150 mL shortening
150 mL Margarine or butter, softened
2 eggs (thankfully an egg is an egg no matter what)
10 mL vanilla
5 mL baking soda
5 mL salt
2 packages (170g each) of semisweet chocolate chips

Heat oven to 190 degrees Celsius. Mix sugars, shortening, margarine, eggs and vanilla thoroughly. Stir in remaining ingredients.

Drop dough by rounded 10mL about 5 cm apart on an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake until light brown, about 8 to 10 minutes (luckily times weren't changing). Cool slightly before transferring from cookie sheet to cooling rack. About 42 cookies.