Dole Whip It Good

600,000 Disneyland visitors can be wrong. That's how many Dole sponsored pineapple whipped confections they sell every year in the Enchanted Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room (you know, where all the birds sing and the flowers croon). So delightful are these that folks have developed at home recipes, this one comes from the blog Chocolate Covered Katie. Of course everything is easier with an ice cream maker (especially when making ice cream) but even without one you too can have frozen refreshing whipped dessert when not in Anaheim. Traditionally, it is made with pineapple only - I dare say it might be tasty with with banana, or perhaps even strawberry...but that's no good to the Dole Whipped purists.

Freedom of Choice, Devo's transformative1980 album, chock full of good advice. For instance when a problem comes along, you must whip it. When a good time goes wrong, you must whip it. And, cooking lessons like what to do before the cream sits out too long (you must whip it). Essentially, the life lesson here is that is not too late to whip it (providing that you whip good). And finally, perhaps most importantly, that it's ok to wear a flower pot as a hat with your haz-mat suit. Mark Mothersbaugh (who went on to Rugrats fame - go figure) and fellow Ohionans de-evoled into the premiere American punk/new wave/techno band of the late 70s and early 80s, asking and answering such profound societal questions as: "Are we not men? We are Devo." Eventually, they could get no satisfaction, stepped on a crack, broke their mamas back, could not move forward or shape it up, turns out it was too late to whip it...

The Recipe:

2 cups frozen pineapple

1/4 cup milk of choice (Try canned coconut milk for piña colada soft serve - if you like pina coladas and getting caight in the rain)

1/16 tsp salt

2 tbsp sugar 

scant 1 tbsp lemon juice

Blend all ingredients until smooth. Scoop out with an ice cream scoop, or squeeze through a pastry bag, or a plastic bag with an edge cut off. (If your blender is not super-powerful like a Vita-Mix, you may need to add a little more liquid and then freeze a bit before serving, or churn in an ice cream maker.) For soft-serve that holds its shape longer, freeze the swirled dole whip at least 20 minutes prior to serving. Makes enough whip it for two.

Sloppy Joe Namath's

This was originally published on August 24,2011 in my first blog Cooking With Alice, where I spent 121 "cooking" my way through Alices Brady Bunch Cookbook. The "recipes" in general are repulsive, and clearly untested. But they make for a great story, and if you Google "baked beans in a flashlight" I'm number two. Enjoy reading, use extreme caution if you are foolish enough to try this at home.

Sloppy Joes, not a normal menu item for our house. When I first met Mark he would make a scary version involving ground turkey and some type of condensed soup (possibly vegetable, but I've tried to block it out). So, needless to say, they've been tabu ever since. And, anything that includes ketchup as an ingredient makes me wary, but it's not tuna, so I am doing it. I briefly toyed with the idea of making my own ketchup, but that just makes me a freak, right? So, garlic, Worcestershire sauce, dry mustard, brown sugar and ground beef round out the recipe. As usual, the ingredients and the directions do not match up, keeping me on my twinkle toes.

Season 5, Episode 2: "Mail Order Hero".  Okay, so we really do  need to start to worry about Bobby. Why wasn't Mike enough of a male role model that he had to seek out the likes of Jesse James, Minnesota Fats, and now he will lie, cheat and practically steal to meet Joe Namath?  I mean, if they aren't careful he's going to grow up to be a race car driver. Just sayin. Anyway, Bobby's insecurities show when he brags to his friends that he knows Joe Namath personally. When they tell him to put up or shut he feels the squeeze. Cindy, thinking she's doing him a solid, writes Namath a letter saying her brother is dying to meet him, literally. When Broadway Joe shows up at the Brady's thinking he is meeting a terminally ill fan, Bobby plays along with Cindy's ruse and weakly feigns illness, until Mike and Carol get wind of the ploy. Insert fatherly lecture #47 here about honesty, integrity, blah, blah, blah we've heard it all before and apparently no one in that house is listening.  Namath, sensing he's been had, makes an end run for the exit and quicker than you can say 'I've got a run in my pantyhose,' he's outta there.

Use extreme caution as this may cause permanent damage or death to your taste buds.

The Recipe:

1/4 cup butter
1 large white onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 3/4 tblsp Worcestershire sauce
2 tsp firmly packed brown sugar
1 3/4 tsp dry mustard
1 1/4 c ketchup
2 c lean ground beef, cooked (I love this - ground beef in "cups" not pounds or ounces, leave it to Alice)
8 hamburger buns
soft butter (because, you can never have enough!}

In a skillet melt the 1/4 cup of butter and saute the onion and garlic until soft, about 5 minutes. Add the Worcestershire, brown sugar, mustard, salt (which you may notice is not mentioned in the list of ingredients}, and ketchup. Reduce the heat and simmer slowly for 10 minutes. Add the meat (which you were already supposed to cook according to the above), and simmer until hot. Spread the inside of the buns with soft butter. Spoon some of the beef evenly onto each bun. Alice's Note: This is most requested when friends are brought home for lunch. Makes 8 sandwiches.

Larry Tater Tots

Inspired by a recent viewing of Napoleon Dynamite, I had a hankering for some tots. Never a big fan, I can easily recount when and where I have had them in my lifetime: my high school cafeteria (where the only two edible items were the chocolate chip cookies and tater tots) and then a few years ago I enjoyed them immensely at a place called Psycho Suzies - an old A&W turned tiki bar in Minneapolis. That's it. However, not content to satisfy my craving with the nationally advertised brand of frozen tots, I decided to see if I had skills enough to make them from scratch. You might be surprised to find, as I was, that there are quite a few DIY tot recipes out there. I chose one as seen on TV from Food Network that seemed simple enough - shredded potatoes, egg, flour, salt combined, formed and deep fried. The only glitch was my mixture was wet and sticky (instead of "dry and workable") and this made for a difficult time when trying to achieve tot shape. Also, I cooked the first batch a little too long -  when it rains it pours. Three minutes, not four to five as the recipe stated seemed to be just right. In the end, they were tasty and served with a side of Heinz ketchup, the anticipation worth the wait. When it doesn't say Ore Ida, it's still all righta.

There may have been two Dick's on Bewitched (York and Sargent), but there was only one Larry Tate. Played by David White, Larry was one half of the advertising agency McMann and Tate, although I don't ever recall there being a McMann, and type A boss of Darrin Stephens. TVs original Mad Men, Darrin and Larry were always trying to land a new account by dropping in unannounced with clients when Samantha was up to her twitchy shenanigans. But Larry never caught on no matter what spell was used on him - he took a licking and kept on ticking.  Only nosy neighbor Gladys Cravitz wondered "does she, or doesn't she?" One thing was for sure, what happens at the Stephens, stays at the Stephens.


The Recipe:

Canola oil, for frying
4 russet potatoes, peeled
1 1/2 tablespoons salt, plus more for seasoning
1 teaspoon cracked black pepper, plus more for seasoning
1 egg, beaten 
1/2 cup all-purpose flour (I needed way more and still had trouble. But, no pain, no gain)
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper (optional)
1 teaspoon smoked paprika (optional)1/2 teaspoon garlic powder (optional)

In a deep-fryer or heavy-bottomed pot, heat enough canola oil to come halfway up the sides of the pot, to 375 degrees F.Finely shred potatoes on a fine box grater. Season the potatoes with 1 1/2 tablespoons of salt and 1 teaspoon of pepper. Put the potatoes into a kitchen towel and squeeze out the excess liquid. Put the potatoes into a medium-sized bowl along with the egg and mix well. Add the flour and stir to combine. Stir in the cayenne, smoked paprika garlic powder, salt and pepper, to taste. The mixture should be workable but dry. Form the potatoes into balls or tots and fry, in batches, until golden brown, about 4 to 5 minutes. Remove from fryer and drain on a paper towel lined tray. Immediately season with salt and pepper, to taste. Transfer to a serving bowl and serve. They're grrreat!

Buddy's Family Antipasto

If you are a true Detroiter, there are a few basic truths about you (at least where food is concerned): Vernors, Sanders, Better Made chips, and Buddy's pizza.  Now, I know Chicago is famous for their deep dish, but Detroit holds it's own at Buddy's. An institution at the corner of Six mile and Conant and family owned and operated since 1936. Their secret is the toppings go under the cheese - so no charring of the meats. But they are almost equally as famous for their antipasto salad (feeds a family of 6 easily) as they are for the pizza. Lettuce, salami, ham, cheese all tossed with the secret vinaigrette dressing. The first trick here is the brick, cheese that is. A soft, white that's higher in fat than other domestic (i.e., Wisconsin) white cheeses.  Although, I must admit, when I make it at home for my family, I often use shredded mozzarella, as that's generally what I have on hand. There is one element for which there is no substitute and that's the dressing - the Buddy's dressing that makes a Buddy's salad a Buddy's salad. Almost equal parts soybean oil and red wine vinegar, with "spices" and sugar added, it has a distinct flavor, you know, like Vernors only different. Luckily, Buddy's now bottles and sells their dressing locally, so your family, and more importantly mine, never has to be without.

Family, ABC's 1976-82 (3 years too many if you ask me) drama featuring an average middle class Lawrence family. At the heart of it all was Buddy, aka Letitia, aka Peaches, aka Kristy McNichol. The show created what we now term "very special episodes" featuring Pubescent angst (McNichol), infidelity, divorce and single parenthood (sister Nancy, played by Meredith Baxter Birney not Birney), wayward school dropout brother Willie, breast cancer, alcoholism and the struggles of an educated housewife and mother who put her family ahead of her own wants and needs. Melodrama at its finest, the best plot lines involved Buddy, usually faced with some decision, like whether or not to have sex with Lief Garrett - to which she always just said no, (until teaming up with bad news girl Tatum O'Neil at summer camp in Little Foxes, that is). But, like all shows, it began to wane and suffering from C.O.S. (Cousin Oliver Syndrome, an almost always fatal affliction that leads to series cancellation), a new cute kid (Quinn Cummings) was added into the mix, solidifying the break up of the Family.

The Recipe:

2 hearts of Romaine, chopped or torn apart by family dysfunction
2 thick to medium slices of a good, low fat salami, cut into bite-sized pieces
2 slices of good ham (that's redundant because all ham is good ham except Quinn Cummings), cut into bite-sized pieces
4 oz Brick or mozzarella cheese, shredded or cubed
Buddy's dressing to taste

Toss. In a bowl. Even a child could do it.