What You Talkin 'bout Pizza Bianca

Pizza Bianca, the final piece to the Nonie's meat sauce/Gnip Gnop Gnocchi trifecta. I got this little, extremely simple recipe from Gourmet Magazine about 10 years ago and it will change your life, as it has mine and anyone else's who eats from my table. It is basically pizza dough, kosher salt and olive oil, but boy is it tasty. I buy my pizza dough at Trader Joe's because it is easy and cheap, but am often annoyed with the cashiers who always say "Making pizza tonight?" And I have to say, no I am making this delicious flatbread. And then they have to say 'what you talkin 'bout?'. And then I have to recite the recipe and they look at me like I am from another planet (albeit, a planet with very good food). And it always happens. Evey time I buy it. Which is often. It's probably a sign that I should go back to making my own dough. Anyway, you need a jelly roll pan, which is a rectangular baking sheet with low sides. But other than that, it couldn't be easier. Of course I advocate making gnocchi too, but I have seen some people just eat this bread with Nonie's sauce piled on top of it (or inside of it). Leftovers (wait what am I talkin 'bout -  like that's going to happen) also make great bread for paninis.

If ever there was an argument for keeping your kids out of show biz, "Diff'rent Strokes" would be it. The premise is simple: A rich white widower (Conrad Bain, of Maude fame) with a daughter (Dana Plato - we will get to her in a minute) and a housekeeper (Charlotte Rae) adopt two African-American orphaned street kids (Todd Bridges and Gary Coleman) and they live together in a deluxe apartment in the sky (wait, wrong show). And of course, each episode was punctuated by Arnold's catch phrase: what you talkin' 'bout, Willis? Responding to something crazy his big brother uttered. And so you have the recipe for a run-a-way hit tv show, fame beyond and belief tons of money = derelict, has-beens at age 18. Victims of greedy parents and unscrupulous accountants, the money is squandered and the former child stars are left to a life of drug addiction and crime. Even the very special episode featuring First Lady Nancy Regan and her "Just Say No" anti-drug campaign couldn't keep these kids out of the gutter. Dana Plato was the first to fall, after a series of arrests for armed robbery (ok, it was a pellet gun) and forging prescriptions she died of a drug overdose at age 34. Gary Coleman, sweet little Arnold Jackson, didn't fare much better. After being robbed by his parents and divorcing them, he spent the rest of his years trying to recapture his fleeting fame, alternating between running for Governor of California and working as a security guard, when he wasn't beating up his "fans". He too died young, at age 42. Todd Bridges actually comes out of this trio smelling like a rose, simply because he's not dead yet. After years of drug addiction and arrests for such crimes as carrying a firearm, making a bomb threat, cocaine possession and shooting an accused drug dealer (ok, this last one might of been his way of just saying no, but still...) his only "success" has been a reality show career that culminated with an appearance on Dancing with the Stars. It takes different strokes to move the world. Yes it does. It takes different strokes to move the world.


The Recipe:

1 tsp hot water
1/2 tsp kosher salt
2 tblsp olive oil ( 1 + 1)
16 ounces pizza dough (make your own, it's less complicated than buying it from Trader Joes - or better yet, get it fresh from your local pizzeria. Just ask, they usually will sell it to you)
All-purpose flour

Special Equipment: 15x10x1 inch jelly roll/baking pan, lightly oiled; pizza wheel

Place rack in the bottom of the oven and preheat oven to 500 degrees. Whisk together hot water and kosher salt until most of the salt is dissolved. Then whisk in one tablespoon of the olive oil. Coat dough lightly with flour, then stretch with floured hands into a 12x8 rectangle. Transfer dough to the baking pan, stretching dough to cover most of the pan. Dimple dough by pressing your finger tips all over, then brush with oil mixture. Bake until golden brown, 10 to 12 minutes. Remove from pan onto a cutting board, brush with remaining tablespoon of oil and cut into smaller pieces with a pizza wheel. Serve warm and with Nonies meat sauce.
Serves 4.

Courthouse Crock Pot Spaghetti Sauce

Welcome to my first foray into Aunt Bee's Mayberry Cookbook. I approached this with caution given my past experience with Alice's Brady Bunch Cookbook, but optimistically as well since things didn't seem too bad with Mary Ann's Gilligan Island Cookbook. Afterall, you can't judge a book, or a sitcom, by it's cover. Except, why do books have covers if not to be judged by them? Anyway, I have to say this recipe had trouble from the start given the anachronism of the notion of a crock pot in Mayberry. We know that the crock pot "technology" was not commercially available in the early 1960s (for a complete crack pot's crock pot history,  see Split Peabody and Sherman Soup). Nevertheless, I  proceeded, mostly because I had all of the ingredients in the pantry/fridge. What resulted (in less than half the time and portion size the book stated!) was a fairly decent bolognese - not a term that would have been uttered in Mayberry, I realize. It actually reminded me of meat sauce served in one on my favorite Italian restaurants from my childhood - DeLuca's - which my really old friends (who, ironically are the same age as me) may also remember. In the future, I would make this recipe from the past again, only I would double the ingredients because although it said it served 6, it really was only enough for 3. And, possibly cut the cooking time because although the recipe said 10 hours, it smelled like it was burning after about six.

The Andy Griffith Show set in Mayberry, Hometown, USA.  A true fixture in my 1970s childhood of reruns. Featuring Andy Griffith as Sheriff Andy Taylor and of course the great Don Knotts (see The Ghost and Mr Chicken Pot Pie) as Deputy Barney Fife. While Andy's Aunt Bee and son Opie (a very young Ron Howard) kept the home fires burning, Andy and Barney played host to a town full of kooks at Mayberry's courthouse, which next to Floyd's Barbershop (both literally and figuratively) was the center of "downtown" Mayberry.  It was also a gathering place for folks like confirmed bachelor Howard Sprague and filling station attendant Gomer Pyle (aka Jim Nabors) until he joined the Marines and was replaced by Goober Pyle (who I think was his non-identical cousin). It was also where they regularly jailed the town sot, Otis Campbell, and were flummoxed by the perpetual nuttiness of chicken thief Ernest T. Bass. Occasionally, some law and order took place by the sheriff without a gun and his bumbling deputy, like when grifters posing as FBI agents came to town ostensibly to admire Mayberry's crime fighting techniques. In reality, they really came to case the bank, and luckily Andy figured this out all the while Barney waxed poetic about the new jail in Mt. Pilot. Hijinks, and a lesson or two always ensued, making me want to whistle my way all the way to the fishin hole....

The Recipe:

1 1/2 pounds ground beef, browned
1 1/2 cups chopped onion
2 cloves garlic
1 14 1/2 ounce can tomatoes
2 6-ounce cans tomato paste
1 1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp dried oregano
1/4 tsp thyme
1 bay leaf

In a crock pot combine all of the ingredients. Stir thoroughly and cook on low for 10 to 12 hours (or 6), or on high for 4 to 5 hours. Serves 6 (or 3).

Professor Whitehead's Beef Teriyaki

Home at last, but too tired to cook, and besides I can't leave you hanging. So the last, at least for a while, of my Cooking With Alice re-posts. This is all good. Beef, what more can I say? A teriyaki sauce made with sake, that you light on fire - awesome! Grilled to perfection and served over a volcano of white rice. Of, course Alice's instructions were a bit flawed on how to set the sauce aflame - she advised to turn off the heat, when you really need to crank it up (luckily, I know how to set food on fire).  In fact, if you read the recipe, you'll see most of  it is wrong, but yet oh, so right. P.S. I threw in some green pepper for added measure.

"The Tiki Caves" (The conclusion to our three-part island epic) Professor Hubert Whitehead, played by the great Vincent Price, is a nut job archaeologist holed up in a cave on Oahu. The boys venture into the cave to return what they believe to be a cursed idol to its ancient burial ground. Professor Whitehead ties them up because he fears they will steal his latest find, a scary tiki head he calls Oliver (foreshadowing of Cousin Oliver, perhaps?). He would have gotten away with it too had it not been for those meddling kids (Curses!). This same plot is played out earlier in the series when the Bradys are on their way to the Grand Canyon and encounter a crazy old prospector played by Jim Bakkus (yes, who also played Mike's boss Mr Matthews). Confused? Don't be, this is the way TV worked back when you actually watched it on your TV. Mike and Carol come to the rescue and the Bradys celebrate with a luau on Waikiki.  A-lo-ha.


The Recipe:

3c sake
1c sugar
3c soy sauce
1 8 1/2 pound rib steak with bone removed

In a saucepan mix the sake and the sugar cook low heat until the sugar has dissolved. Turn off the heat and ignite (or turn the heat up if you really want a flame) the sake mixture with a match, shaking the pan until the flame dies. Add the soy sauce and bring the mixture to a boil. Continue boiling until the mixture thickens and becomes syrupy. Pour the sauce into a shallow bowl large enough to dip the steak.
Preheat the broiler or barbecue grill, be sure the coals are white hot. Dip the steak into the teriyaki sauce, coating the meat thoroughly. Broil or barbecue until desired doneness, dipping the meat in the sauce again when it is turned (which makes no sense, brushing the or basting yes, but dipping, no). Reheat the remaining sauce. To serve, slice the steaks into 1/2 inch slices and arrange the slices on a warmed plate. Pour the remaining sauce over the steaks and garnish with parsley (which you notice is not on the ingredient list, but that's the way Alice rolls). Serve with hot rice and the remaining sauce on the side (even though you have already poured the remaining sauce over the meat, again welcome to my world!). Makes 8 servings.

Special equipment: Fire extinguisher and dashboard hula girl